Shell Shocker

Ernie Johnson, Frank Thomas, and Cal Ripken Jr are doing the pregame, which is very special. Cal just looks around and smiles while Da Big Hurt stares down at a sheet of paper at all times and stutters constantly. The MLB Playoffs on TBS!!!!! There’s Only One OCTOBER!!!!

Just watched a commercial that showed only Serena from the neck down (focused on ass and breasts). Classy.

Cal and Frank just did a bit on how to slide into home, two very agile and physically gifted baserunners. I learned a lot.

Remember when I used to like Dane Cook? Remember when I also cut my hair into a mullet freshman year? Yeah, things change.

Crowd looks ecstatic, and it was during the national anthem. Clay Condrey looks ready to pitch. Chure buddy.

This just in: Clint Hurdle is a pint of jack and 7 Coronitas deep. Since ground rules.

God, this field looks like sex. Good thing I booted two balls and doubled pumped on a relay there. At least I didn’t blow a 2 run save with no one on and one outs, Fugett.

Brian Giles’ throw on that Holliday play looks more and more feeble each time I see the play. And yes, he still hasn’t come remotely close to touching the plate.

Has anyone ever had an extra long bacon double cheese steak from Sonic? Mojo, ask Steveo. Sonic is no 5 Guys.

80 degrees and cloudy, good for shadows hopefully, slight wind blowing towards right center. Youre welcome. Love, Hurricane Schwartz

Great scouting report by TBS: Cole Hamels is Unflappable. Thanks.

And we’re underway foul ball by the nip. My rally towel has been in constant motion since 2 PM. If you played on the Rockies would you wear BG’s that had purple in them? I sure wouldn’t, but Kaz is Japanese. Id rather urinate on my hands like Vlad.

After two quick outs, 1 K, Holliday is greeted with boo’s. God I love Philly. Promptly grounded out feebly to first on an 0-2 count. Three up and three down, Cole looks sharp.

MVP!MVP!MVP! Is that Michael Bourn leading off? Nope, its Jimmy. Phew. 3-0 to a 3-2, change up K, ballsy pitch.

Jeff Francis kinda looks like a mix between Mabe and Fugett, and what a shocker, hes #26. Tall, feeble and gay. The Trifecta!

Francis stuck out the side in order. That 3-0 start to J-Roll didn’t fluster him I guess.

Jared from Subway wants to get banged, by guys. He should be on a celebrity edition of Beauty and the Geeks.

Lead-off triple by Helton kicks off the 2^nd, someone needs to tell Rowand to just stay away from the wall if you aren’t gonna catch it. It didn’t look like it would carry like that off the bat, but it is Da Bank.

Double on a 2-2 change up by Atkins. 1 love. This coming right after them mentioning my clouds keeping the shadows away theory. Bring out the sun would ya.

Cole got a fresh hair cut it looks like. Why fuck with a good thing, you just trew a shut out. Not looking as good this inning for those counting at home.

Ryan Spilborghs made a statement saying there is no way the Phillies are better than them. Isnt he a platooning outfielder? Actually, who is this faggot? Cole promptly walks him on 4 pitches.

Yorvit Torrealba fists one up the middle. 2-love. Good pitch, gay hit. Crowd is silenced.

Just found out Wes Helms was in the lineup. Sweet.

Walked the nip 3-2, 2 outs with the crowd going nuts. Didn’t happen the other night. Bags full, TulowTITzki up. Hes been a tail of two pitchers thus far, been getting ahead and finishing or getting ahead and blatantly losing it. 30 pitches deep this inning and counting. Carlos Ruiz just got crossed up more than Ive ever seen in my life. Somehow he caught it, jesus tits that could’ve been bad. 0-2 to 3-2 again and walks in a run. Im really happy right now, as you can imagine.

Walk #3, 3-love. and the sacks are full for Holliday who just hit a 700 foot foul grand slam on the first pitch.

3^rd time this inning a questionable 3^rd strike just kept the inning alive.

Holliday Ks. 3-0 Rockies after about a 40 pitch inning. 9 batters faced, id say at least 5 had two strikes. Cole usually gets better as the game goes, lets fucking hope so. I need a drink. Food arrived. Be back.

Howard K, Rowand ground out, Burrell walk, Helms comes up and I remembered that hes 6-9 against Francis in his career including a bases clearing double earlier in the year which is why hes starting. He quickly reassures why I hate him by popping out to second.

Gonna finish this food. I want to stab Dane Cook with an ice pick.

3 up 3 down in the top of the 3^rd. Shadows are out. Id like to see the crowd back in it a little more.

Ruiz starts it off by taking a strike three fastball wang high down the middle. Professional at bat.

Watching Torrealba throw the ball back to the pitcher is comical, its like he is gonna pump fake it then throws it like a dart. Its almost all forearm. Durrah wouldn’t approve.

Cole breaks up the early no-no by spraying one to left. MVP chants are nowhere to be found and a lot of ppl in seats. Great effort guys. Rollins rolls into a tailor made 5-4-3 DP. At least Cole gets a lot of time to rest, womp.

The Levis commercial where the guy pulls up the city street with his jeans, the girl in the phone booth is really hot. Id like to participate in some fornication with her.

I hate in-game interviews. Dick Dubee, what are you possibly gonna say? Cole’s hat looks a little too big since that new haircut? Get off the screen.

Revelle’s right this TBS HD is nuts. Cole looks like hes computer generized on the screen a la Playstation 3.

Cole mows through the bottom of the order 1,2,3. Got hit in the shin with a ground ball, stay tuned he should be alright tho wasn’t hit that hard. My boy Tom just asked, “Is anyone even at the game?” That’s always refreshing. I got a feeling they will make noise in the bottom half. Flyin Hawaiian, Chut, and Howard coming up. Lets hope we have better ABs second time troo.

Victorino hits a seed to Atkins at third who is apparently wearing a magnetic glove. Interview with Clint Hurdle who undoubtedly just did a funnel and smoked a Marlboro Red. Chaaaas approaches the plate to a golf clap. K’s miserably for the second time, on the same exact pitch as the first. Just informed by this STELLAR announcing team that Howard was Francis’ 6^th 0-2 count. At least we are working a lot of deep counts. Strike three, that’s 7 Ks for Jeff Francis through 4 innings. Good call on getting the crowd into this inning Govna. Im making another Vodka drink. And potentially swan diving off the Borgata.

Cole goes one two chree again. Highlighted by Helms laying out on a Holliday groundball to end the inning, I was as shocked as you are, believe me. Here’s a fun story: TulowTITzki almost didn’t get out of the way on a foul ball pop up and I started screaming and threw my rally towel. Only problem was there was a lot of Vodka and sprite in my mouth so that got all over and my towel was across the room, hindering the clean up. Ironic, eh?

Lead-off dong by Rowand to right center. Let his dream season continue. Crowd is waking up from its collective power nap.

P-A-T BURRELL!!!!!!!! BACK TO BACK!!!! And Da Bank is officially off life support and rocking!!! Helms hit a fucking bullet to the 374 mark in left center. I shat a little bit.

Ruiz bullet single on another hanging Doytch.

Cole pops the bunt up to Garrett Atkins who was in the right hander batters box before release.

MVP chant is back up again. Jimmy might be pressing a little, which never happens, hes swung through 3 dick shots this game. Ruiz swipes second. Deuces right now, charge em up! And, yes, Im doing them. Holler at your deuces!!! With MVP chants bellowing, Jimmy walks. Bob Apodaca heads out for a visit. Sweet name. Spictorino grounds out to 2^nd to end the inning. Good inning, a lot of pitches by Francis, and the crowd is back. Helton, Atkins and Hawpe for the Rockies coming up.

Weird, 13 straight by Cole (gets better as game goes), 7 Ks and hes getting borderline squeezed with two strikes. Brad Hawpe just got called out on a pitch that was significantly worse than the pitch he called before that was a ball. Gotta love umps who are swayed by the crowd. Utley, Howard, Rowand bottom 6^th coming up. Ernie just gave us a real zinger: “Victorino with a double ear flap and Francis looks like hes 17, it looks like an American Legion game out there!” Stick to hoops my man.

Chut 0-2 three times, struck out three times. Swell. Good ab’s. They just said Ryan Howard isn’t gonna get cheated. Oh really? What gave you that idea? The 199 Ks this year or 105 dingers in the last two years? Something tells me hes not choking up with two strikes.

Shadows are gone by the way at the plate. Francis sends them down in order after two fly outs by Howard and Rowand. We’re going to the 7^th.

Pitch count is getting up there, I haven’t seen if anyone is up. Walks Spilborgh for the second time, you know, bc hes such a threat. Bullpen is up, good bc hes wild high.

Yorvit popped up, Francis hitting(bunting) for himself. Slashes, decently, but good play Utley. Cole gets standing ovation as hes pulled after 6 2/3 for Gordon. Don’t really know why with two outs since I thought Kaz was better lefty hitter (which he is just checked). Cole’s line: 6 2/3, 3 hits, 3 ER, 4 BBs, 7 Ks and can only lose. All that bullshit in one inning. What a shame. Gordon K’s him. Pitcher’s spot is up 4^th this inning. Super, there was no double switch that they announced.

Clint Hurdle, who mustve been the one caught in the web, stumbles to the mound to take Francis out before he throws a pitch in the 7^th. Is that like icing hitters or something? Ill stick to my drinking games assumption. Enter LaTroy Hawkins.

Burrell pops the first pitch to third, but not after orbiting the moon twice. Dobbs pinch hitting for Helms. Good low ball hitter, good fastball hitter, or so Ive been told by these impeccable announcers. It was followed by eleven seconds of silence. Great AB, Dobbs walks on the 9^th pitch of the at bat.

Im not really sure how your approach against this guy isn’t gear up for the heat. He throws it ALL the time and its flat. Only other pitch hes thrown is a hard splitter in the dirt. Granted its 95 but lets adjust our approach Ruiz, youre late as tits.

Ruiz hits a one hop bullet 4-6-3 double play. Pinch runner Michael Bourn shouldve been running following the 1-2 pitch out. 6 outs left, starting to sweat.

I love that Kenny Lofton commercial.

Apparently laughing can add 8 years to your life. Hmmmmm how much laughter exactly is that? And if you laugh a lot (like us) but abuse alcohol, cigs, dip, the occasional boomer and some mary jane, do they cancel each other out? Things I need to know when seeing a commercial like that.

After a TulowTITzki K, Holliday hits a first pitch curve ball into the Delaware River to make it 4-2. First hit since 2^nd inning. Fuck me. In comes Romero.

If I have to hear about the pussy rug burn on Holliday’s face again, Im gonna break the TV.

Rollins just made the best play Ive seen in quite sometime. Then the guy said “Rollins doesn’t have the strongest arm in the league but its right on the money.” Yeah, good call, only about three ppl in the NL have a stronger arm than Rollins that Ive seen (Reyes, Furcal, and maybe the TITz). At least TBS worked hard to get a good solid group of guys working for these games. Theres Only One October!!!! Jerk Offs. Im upset, as you can tell.

Enter Fuentes. And since I cant decipher where it is hes from, Im gonna say Portugal. Lead-off walk to Tadahito. Here comes the top. Im thinking it’s a big part of the game.

Jimmy reaches for a 3-1 pitch, with a struggling pitcher, and pops it up. Bad at bat. Hes definitely trying to do too much. Painful.

A ball just clearly drilled Yorvits forearm and they are arguing in the booth that it hit his knee. We have bigger fish to fry gentlemen.

Victorino FC, brings up Chase (who has the hat trick).

Make that the Golden Sombrero. Wow. I cant believe Chaaaas just had a 4 strike out day with I think 2 total foul balls. Don’t quote me, it could’ve been one foul ball. We’re headed to the 9^th and we pitch hit for Romero. Myers?? I don’t know, TBS obviously didn’t mention who was up in the pen. Really outstanding effort.

The Wife Beater it is. Brad Hawpe promptly strikes out four pitches.

Spilborgh looks like Ben Hoffman, Ive been racking my brain on it all day. Finally came to me in the 9^th. That’s a moral victory at least. And he strikes out on three straight pitches, two curveballs that tore both of his meniscuses.

Nunez, in for defense, gets a tough play on a dribbler and throws it like James with a torn labrum 17 feet short of the bag. K’s the nip on a 3-2 deuce after another single to center. Ends up Kn the side.

3 outs left. Howard, Rowand, Burrell. ONE GOAL! Haha, chanks Tambo.

Im sick to my stomach.

Manny Corpas in to close it out. This crowd better be out of their fucking seats.

Ryan Howard just got completely FUCKED on two straight pitches and K’s looking. God those were terrible calls. This guy has been toight all day. That’s fucking gay. Rowand flares a one hopper to second for out number two. Crowd begins to file out. Sweet guys. I despise the amount of fair weather fans there today. It was very evident for much of the game. Its beginning to look like this ump wants to go home as he rails Pat Burrell with two quick strikes. Burrell battles back before he flies out to center to end it.

That’s a kick to the testicles. Gotta win tomorrow. Good game, both teams only had one inning each where they did anything. Cole was good, Mabe/Fugett mix was good. Holliday homer in the 8^th was humongous. I hate the Rockies. Lets go Kendrick.

Stat of the day: Phils 1-4 hitters: 0-15 w/9 Ks

Lets Go Phils!

A Sad Govna